I'm pushed into a corner by despair, depression and enxiety. The harder the pressure gets, the more I know what I really want and who I am. I want something out of this life. Don't want to just be lazy. Want to put effort into something that is worth it. I know there is a meaning. I'm closer to it now than ever before.
I think we all have to be more true to our selves. What do we want? What is our passion? What is our skill? Who are we? I don't think we have to go so far we think it's not humble if we know what we are all about. It doesn't have to be rude. No, you're not rude or proud if you know your self. Sometimes you won't get everything you want, but it's okey.
As soon as somebody asks me abut my passion and skill I don't know what to answer. It's like I've forgot. It happens every time because I don't want to take much place, or because I will feel like I'm too big in fantasy and I'm too much like "one of the kind".
You are one of the kind, so what's the matter if it shows?
This is me:
- Write books and texts
- Make videos
- Stand infront of the camera
- Work out
- Talk about faith and deep stuff
I really am a social person, and I love being out in the nature and photograph. I would like to create more and be busy with different kinds of projects. I do believe we have to do things because it's fun and not because we must. We have to say no to things we don't like and dare to say yes when we want something even when we feel like we're not quite there yet. But also, we have to remember to do the little things and be happy right here and now. We have to be brave already here in order to be brave later.
I think winter and snow can be beautiful but I hate getting the flue or cold. I wish to live in California or Australia. The OC is my dream place. I wish that people could be more open and personal with everyone they feel they can trust, and even if they're a stranger. I enjoy talking with strangers.
In certain areas I'm very reserved. Especially when it comes to the love-thing. I wanted to meet the right one already at ten-year-age. I still believe in love in the same way like I did when I was little. Love is something that never changes. I still believe in sacredness. I'm reserved because I've been in love with someone for 6-8 years and before that round 3 years, and to waste my heart isn't something I'd like to do again. Whether it's false or real. I wish it was not that complicated. Why does the heart tell me wrong? But again, I still believe, and I think that marriage is one of the most beautiful things. If you believe in love, sacredness and purity, go for it! It is so real you guys! Wait for the right season. Somebody said that fruits in the wrong season taste bad.
If I may be silly, I have to admit that I love dessert and I'm not ashamed of it, lol. I wish I some day can go to a café with somebody and try all their pastries and cakes. That would be awesomeness! I love pizza and junk food. So don't give me healthy version of an ice cream or pizza. It has to be just sallad or something very unhealthy. Nothing there in between.
People get scared when somebody talks about death or end times, but oh how I love these topics! In fact they don't scare me. I think that death is freedom and that the end is beginning to something new. But not everybody have the same perspective, and that's okey. I just tell what I'm passionated about. I love radical christianity. Why? Because nothing else works for me. I have to believe what stands in the Bible because it is my hope and strength.
I once got the question what my dream guy looks like. I couldn't answer because love doesn't depend on the appearance, really, but if I have to be picky and vain, because yeah, sometimes I am, I will talk about that soon. When I was little I wanted somebody with blue eyes and blond hair, with no tattoos and piercings or dark hair, but then i learned that it doesn't matter. When we fall in love with someone we start to think differently and we become more humble. But okey, if I have to be honest, eyes, hair and nose is "important" (can't find any other word for now). I don't think that muscles are attractive, lol, or it doesn't matter, at least it's nothing that attracts me. I like thin more. If I may dream, it should be somebody that is energic and wants to do something fun with me and somebody who respects me and doesn't take advantage of me, and it has to be someone who gives me freedom and gives me my own time too. And, somebody who has the same picture of what love, marriage and sex is. Or else, I think it's too easy to feel unconfortable, used, humiliated or insulted. Because I'm a christian, it's impportant that he believe in God too, and even if he's not a christian now, that he one day will be. I believe that Jesus is the way to the Father and that only he can save us and bring us to heaven, and if I can't be with that guy forever than why be now? I know nobody will get married in heaven, but what's the point of learning get to know somebody here if they won't be in heaven with you after this life too?
At last, I want to start a magazine :)